*20th March*


Showbiz News

In preparation for the inaugural "GROGG ISLAND TENNIS OPEN", many islanders have been out 
and about practicing their lobs, backhands and forehands. The most high-profile entrant is 
none other than our very own Mavis Grayson, the Governer's wife.
We caught up with Governer Grayson last night after the monthly council meeting where he 
joked "After 3 months of tennis lessons with ex champ Bjorn Bjornessen she still asks me 
which side of the racket she's supposed to use. She always comes home rosy-cheeked and 
puffed out so it can't be through lack of effort!"
However, the organisers are still uncertain when the championship will take place because, 
as of yet, there are no tennis courts on the island.


Business Section

Grogg Island's economy will surely gain a welcomed boost with news that Mr. Denzil's 
application for planning permission has been accepted. New houses will soon been erected 
in Hilltop Woods.


Obituaries

It is with great sadness that we have to inform you that the lighthouse keeper has passed away.
His only friend told us "I was more of an acquaintance really. Funeral costs are how much!"


Jobs

Lighthouse Keeper Wanted. Long hours, rubbish pay. Apply at the governer's mansion.



*22nd of March*


Current Affairs

The island was in a state of commotion yesterday as Dragon Valley's iron grip on Grogg tightened 
even further. It was in the early hours that the whole island was awoken to heavy gunfire coming 
from West Beach. One onlooker said "It was incredible. I saw a merchantman pulling out from its
moorings when all of a sudden HMS Sentinel opened fire with a crushing broadside." HMS Sentinel
has been stationed at Grogg Island for 3 years in order to prevent exiles from escaping the 
island and it is believed that there were stowaways onboard the trading ship. A spokesman for the 
D.V.R.N. said "We're always watching. Don't try any more funny business, scumbags." This latest 
show of aggression will surely only add more fuel to the ongoing independence debate. 


Business

One of Grogg's businesses this week has fallen on hard times. Teach Mining Corporation, who have 
been mining on the east side of the island in search of coal has since stopped trading. One of 
the shareholders has issued a statement to the press: "As of Friday, Teach Mining Corps. has 
ceased operations. Due to high costs of labour and little success, we have had to stop to search 
for investment. We hope to be up and running soon." 


Food and Drink

We apologise for the lack of food reviews this week as our restaurant critic has disappeared. 
Sir Cecil Plummington St.John Smythe was last seen heading to the Wikuqu Spa & Grill on the 
east side of the island. We called the restaurant and health spa but they say Sir Cecil didn't 
turn up for his reservation. The search continues. 


*24th of March*


Current Affairs

There was some good news for Grogg Island's shipping community today as Governer Grayson appointed 
a new lighthouse keeper. After we brought you news of the old lighthouse keeper's passing on Friday 
evening, many ships waiting to dock in Grogg at night have had to wait for daybreak. All of us here 
at the Grogg Island Gazette wish the new lighthouse keeper a happy and prosperous stay on our little 
island.


Health and Safety

Grogg Island Council have informed us that there will be, under no circumstances, any more diving 
from the top of the waterfall. There have been complaints from residents nearby of the rowdy 
behaviour and unacceptable volume from drunken pirates. This comes after Seaman Grubb had to be 
treated by the witchdoctor for his continued bellyflopping into Morgan's Lagoon below.


Crime

After a spate of robberies, the landlord of the Hawsehole Pirate bar has resorted to desperate 
measures. Thieves had managed to ransack his beer cellar and make off with most of his beer and 
spirits. This prompted the cheesed-off custodian to erect a large wire fence behind his 
establishment. This is what he had to say. "That's the last time those bloody pirates get away
with nickin' me stuff. Let's see how they like playing with sharks." The landlord is now extra
vigilant and wouldn't even allow us to see what measures he has taken.
